Season III of presidential tours destined for Mount Kenya, with goons in tow

I heard it on the grapevine that all goons’ roads lead to the Big Mountain this weekend—as part of the presidential entourage—if you believe former Deputy Prezzo Rigathi Gachagua aka Riggy G.

I have no reason to doubt Riggy G, not just because of his posture as Truthful Man, but because his detractors like Kimani Ichungw’a, Leader of the Majority or Minority, depending on who you ask, and who flies to London to show off his red-bottomed designer shoes, claims Riggy G is Goons’ Commander-in-Chief.

The two seldom exchange sweet words, even though Ichungw’a name sounds like an orange. The moment you throw in a squiggle and an apostrophe to the name, its meaning and intonation change dramatically, same way the camaraderie between the two soured.

Two years ago, in March 2023 to be precise, Ichungw’a and Riggy G were bosom buddies whose common enemy came in the form of retired Prezzo Uhuru Kenyatta. Then Prezzo UK was leaner and haired; now he has shed off his hair and put on a few pounds, a good balance if you ask me, as a mass of hair would have tilted the scales.

The alliance between Riggy G and Ichungw’a, though short-lived, produced an unforgettable statement of political subterfuge: Prezzo UK’s family farm was overrun by goons, with pedigree sheep carted away and trees razed, as police watched.

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It wasn’t long before some chaps returned some stolen sheep to Ichaweri, and provide grovelling apology to Mama Ngina. Even Prezzo Bill Ruto visited Ichaweri last year to offer a burnt offering to Prezzo UK in a symbolic gesture of burying the hatchet.

But Riggy G and Ichungw’a did not bury the hatchet; last year, Ichungw’a trained his gun on Riggy G, claiming he was deploying goons to the streets to instigate the ouster of Prezzo Bill Ruto. I don’t recall Riggy G’s response to the claim, but I recall his warning to Prezzo Ruto not to set foot in Mount Kenya—if he ousted Chief Justice Martha Koome.

When Riggy G delivered the warning, fangs bared, scowled face and a rotund belly that seemed to break at the seams—it appeared he hasn’t been exercising as often as he used to, in those dawn treks accompanied by his retinue of aides.

I don’t recall Prezzo Ruto responding to Riggy G’s threat, so his weekend foray to Mt Kenya can be read as flashing of the middle finger at Riggy G.

And herein lies a contradiction that neither Prezzo Ruto and Riggy G can extricate out of. Riggy G’s is an invention of Prezzo Ruto, who accorded him a national platform when he picked him as his running mate in 2022.

Many Kenyans heard of Riggy G for the first time and were astounded by his sanctimony and open hostility towards Prezzo UK. Here comes a difficult part: Prezzo Ruto’s campaign was built around the principle that there is a shortage of idiots in Kenya. Kenyans who surround Mt Kenya, he said, would vote for him because his campaign was “issue based,” not because of historical accidents, like where he was born.

In recent times, the region has been labelled “tribal,” because Riggy G asked Prezzo Ruto difficult questions about different sectors of the economy, especially those affecting people of the Mountain.

I can smell trouble in the air not because a) people of the Mount believe a word of what Riggy G or Prezzo Ruto have to say, b) those projects Prezzo Ruto is trying to bambanya and launch had been previously launched or relaunched, c) the people have very short memory. Rather, trouble is afoot because the problems that people face are real. That’s something neither Riggy G nor Prezzo Ruto seem to know, so they are in for a surprise.